To Shrink or Not to Shrink?

Maybe it’s the people I socialize with, but whenever I tell someone I’m a therapist, the conversation stops dead.  For a long time I took this personally, like they must think I have the most loserish profession in the world and they wouldn’t be caught doing it in a million years.  Then I mentioned this phenomenon to a close friend of mine, saying I felt like a social pariah.  She corrected me, saying that people are just terrified that I’m shrinking their heads while I’m talking to them so they’re afraid to say anything. 

Well, I’m here to tell you, I’m not shrinking your head, either at a party or in my office in a session.  Unless you share your deep, dark secrets with me, I don’t have x-ray vision.  I understand that admitting to parts of yourself that you’re not all that happy with is uncomfortable.  It leaves a person feeling exposed.  Of course you would be afraid of being judged for things that you feel don’t show you in the best light.  I’m here to say that I’m not there to judge.  We all have secrets – things we don’t like about ourselves and how we conduct ourselves in the world and in our relationships.  My job is to help you shine a light on these dark corners and realize that there are things you can do to change or accept these parts.  Sometimes shining that light is all it takes to make you realize that the things you have been so afraid of really aren’t that scary. 

So then – if the point of therapy is to talk about stuff that makes you uncomfortable so you can address it in someway – how is that different than just talking to a good friend about the same issues?

Firstly, who will give you a whole hour to listen to you tell your story?  How many times when you’ve been listening to a friend talk, have you been so excited to give your opinion or tell your story that you aren’t really hearing what the other person has to say?  I am there to listen to you.  A large part of what I do is listen.  My focus for that hour is you and your world.  Hearing your story allows me to help you brainstorm some possibilities for your predicament.  Elements of your story will highlight certain of your strengths.  Another aspect of what I do is help identify the strengths that will assist you in dealing with your situation.

You know yourself best.  I believe you have the tools to resolve whatever issues are troubling you.  Why ask for help? Because often the demands of life become overwhelming and it is hard to tease apart the important from unimportant details.  It feels like obstacles are everywhere.  Some obstacles are obvious.  Others are more discreet.  I will help you with sifting out important from unimportant details.  I will help you with naming and addressing obstacles that impede your progress.  You will be able to prioritize and tackle issues in order of importance. 

Non-judgmental listening, identifying your strengths, sifting through your story and brainstorming.  Those are some of the ways I will help you.  So if we meet in my office or at a party, I am not shrinking your head.  But given my personality, interests, and education I am interested in you, warts and all.  I want to hear your story. 

More books by my bedside

The list is growing daily!

Right now I am reading:
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This                                               by Kate White

Waiting nearby are:
Bradshaw on the Family                                                          by John Bradshaw
Free From Lies                                                                        by Alice Miller
Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives by Anna Fels
The Vagina Monologues                                                         by Eve Ensler

Also waiting but not sure I'm going to read it:
Researching Resilience                                               
by Linda Liebenberg and Michael Ungar

I've read books by Michael Ungar before and I love his work on resilience but this looks like straight research rather than anecdotal information taken from research.  I know I'll get bogged down in it no matter how good it is.  We'll see.  Maybe something will grab me. 

It's All Therapy

Last week I went for my first singing lesson in 10 years.  I was excited…and terrified.  Anyone who has done any singing (or tried anything new) knows all the demons that rear their heads when you try to start.  “I’m afraid my teacher will think I’m terrible.  I’m afraid she’ll see all my bad habits.  I’m afraid she’ll say I’ve been badly taught before and that everything I thought I was doing well I’m actually not”. 

After I’ve gone through my list of how awful she could find me or my skill or my talent or technique I remind myself that her job is to teach and help me.  She will not find someone with a fully developed and capable voice.  The reason I’m going to her is to learn and improve. 

I had been staring at the teacher’s number for a couple of weeks and prior to that I had been meaning to ask about singing teachers from a friend of mine for several months.  The reason I even considered lessons is that I want to audition for a choir in June and I’m too nervous to do so without some bolstering with lessons and properly prepared material. 

The day I called the singing teacher I tried not to think too much beforehand.  I just picked up the phone and dialed before I convinced myself to wait until the following week.  She was lovely on the phone.  Relaxed and informative and helpful.  I was a bumbling fool.  I have all this emotional baggage that has been piling up around singing.  I feel like I’m too old.  I shouldn’t be spending the money.  Maybe I’m not any good.  I’ll feel embarrassed singing in front of someone.  All so different from watching someone else who has the courage to get up and sing in front of people where I can pick apart their efforts and convince myself I could do a better job.  Now I’m putting my money where my mouth is. 

All of these ruminations reminded me of what it is probably like for my clients to make the call to me.  I have been in therapy on and off and, yes, I get nervous making the call.  I do find I’m able to hide behind the fact that I can play the ‘expert’ card (I ‘therapize’ too – nudge nudge wink wink) to protect myself until I’m comfortable enough to let down my guard.  I also know, more or less, what to expect in a therapy session.  I’ve forgotten what a singing lesson looks like and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to give to it what was needed.  Also, with singing I have no wall.  I’m unprotected.  Vulnerable.  Scared.  I have also had a pretty intense few years leading up to this first singing lesson and I was afraid when I opened my mouth to sing that all of those nicely packaged emotions would come tumbling out instead of the sound of singing. 

As it turned out, and as with most things, it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I imagined it might be.  In fact, it was quite wonderful.  My teacher was encouraging and supportive (much-needed).  I didn’t feel like a total loser when I left.  I relaxed.  I loosened up a bit.  I actually made some sounds that resembled singing.  And best of all, my teacher said I would be pleasantly surprised by how far I would come with some attention to my technique.  Whew! 

As I tell clients, when you look at all the dark corners of your life and your less-than-perfect behaviours, it’s usually not nearly as scary once you’ve shone a light in those places.  My aim is always to provide an encouraging, safe place for you to be vulnerable and explore the scary stuff.  Often you will find you are doing better than you thought and that with some attention to the matters at hand, you will be surprised by how far you will come. 

Emotional Spring Cleaning

An opportunity to get your emotional house in order!

Right now I am offering a FREE 30 minute in-person introductory session for new clients.  If you or someone you know has been thinking about seeking therapy, now is the time to do something about it.  Come and discuss what is on your heart and mind - at no cost to you.  See how therapy can help you make changes to enhance your life.

Call, email or message me to set up an appointment.
roma@romapalmer.ca
604-908-3665

My Inner Grug

Last weekend I went with my family to see The Croods.  It was a fun, entertaining movie.  Nothing too challenging.  I was pleased because it was a movie all three of my children wanted to see.  This is no easy task, given that their ages range from 6-13.  All of them enjoyed the movie as well so that made for an easy outing.  Whew!

One thing I found myself surprised to experience, however, was my discomfort at the degree to which I found myself identifying with Nicholas Cage’s character, Grug.  Grug is the father of the cave-family.  He is afraid of anything new and different and is motivated by his fear of death. 

I was caught off-guard by my reaction because a) my mother was always afraid of my brother’s and my demise and I swore I would never be like that and b) I didn’t think I was at the stage of my life where I would resist and fear the new, improved or different. 

When I sat back and felt my stomach lurch at how much I could relate to Grug, I started taking stock.  These days I feel as though so many things are changing around me and I feel it hard to keep up.  It feels tiring even thinking about keeping up.  I miss some of the ways ‘we’ did things in days gone by.  I can’t stand listening to myself reminisce about ‘the way things used to be’ because, once again, I couldn’t stand listening to grown-ups do that when I was young and I swore to myself I wouldn’t do it when I grew up. 

Mostly I thought when I grew up that I would ‘know’ how to do things.  The world would be at my disposal and I would finally be old enough and wise enough to do something about it.  Well I’m finding out that’s not the case.  I constantly feel like I’m out of my depth and I’m constantly scrambling to learn new things. 

Honestly, I thought I’d be writing the book by now.  I really did.  I thought I’d have written a book by now. 

Instead, I have been diligently going to school, raising a family and starting a business; and when I stopped to look up I felt as though all the rules had changed.  Learning about marketing and blogging and facebooking and designing websites and online appointment schedulers and setting up paypal is daunting.  None of it is that difficult once I get my head out of the sand and start learning but the psychological barrier to start is quite imposing. 

As I stare at the wall of my psychological barrier it gets bigger and bigger.  And scarier and scarier.  And that keeps me from starting.  So I need to remind myself to start.  I don’t need to have it all figured out first.  I won’t have everything organized before I begin.  I just need to begin and I will figure the rest out.  I have found that once I start, all the new stuff is quite cool and not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  I’m not sure if it’s all better and I do think the world is moving to quickly but it is comforting to feel like I may be in the flow instead of standing on the shore watching the world pass me by.  And I’m less grumpy – about the changes and what they mean to me and my family and my world.  So maybe I don’t ‘know’ how to do things.  But I can learn.  And that keeps me from being as afraid. 

Then the making decisions out of fear part.  I want my children to stay safe and make good decisions.  My decision-making is so influenced by everyone and everything around me that I’m sure I don’t often decide things from my heart anymore.  When I watch my children make decisions I feel liberated.  They don’t overthink everything they do (well – sometimes they do).  Often they just go with what feels good or what’s funny in the moment.  They aren’t worrying about who will see their facebook post (pros and cons here) or their instagram pictures.  They just go with their gut.  I would like to think that I taught them this because it is what I would like them to learn.  But if they watched me for five minutes they would learn that I often make decisions based on what impression I may give or what people will think about me or how I may be perceived in five years based on one comment or on my ‘chances of survival’...  Wow.  How debilitating is that way of working?  My kids are way better than I am at starting.  At taking that step.  I think I was better at it when I was their age but it appears to be something I can relearn. 

So when I get too wrapped up in my crazy-grown-up ways of thinking I try to sit back and learn from my kids.  They’ve taught me so much so far and they just keep getting smarter and smarter.  Hopefully one day I will too. 

What I'm reading right now...

I love to read.  Right now I have quite a collection of books by my bedside. 

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts                                     by Gabor Mate
The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy  by Susan M. Johnson
Women Food and God                                                  by Gineen Roth
Poke the Box                                                                 by Seth Godin
It's Your Money                                                              by Gail Vaz-Oxlade
Sleepwalker                                                                   by Karen Robards (pure guilty pleasure)

Good thing I'm going on holiday this week so I can catch up on my reading and finish some of these!

Thought for the Day...

What if, as parents or simply as people, we accept there are some things we do well and others not so well.  Think what a gentler place our heads and hearts would be if we could learn to be kind to ourselves about our limitations.  Maybe we don't need to be everything to everyone.  Maybe we are good enough as is.

Office Photos

I have just uploaded some photos of my office to my Facebook page.  If you go to the address below, you can check them out.

https://www.facebook.com/RomaPalmerCounsellor

or see the link on the sidebar.  

The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union
~Rumi

6 Senses

In a conversation with my 6 year old son the other day, he told me we each have 6 senses.  I was busy so I said "uh huh" and kept typing.  He waited until he had my full attention to continue.  He said "There's sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell and....(wait for it)....sense of humour!"  It wasn't what I was expecting and it made me smile.  I hope it makes you smile too.  :)

Wear Pink!

Today is Anti-Bullying Day!  I hope you are wearing pink to show your support of the movement to end bullying.  For more information visit www.pinkshirtday.ca

 

beautiful boy

I just finished reading beautiful boy by David Sheff www.davidsheff.com .  It is the story of ‘a father’s journey through his son’s addiction’.  Such a powerful read.  A well-written chronicle of a father’s story.  Mr. Sheff describes his love for his son and how amazing his son, Nic, is. He chronicles Nic’s upbringing and its ups and downs.  As a parent it is very relatable.  The description of Nic’s childhood is followed by Nic’s descent into drug use and his father’s chronicle of how the drugs steal Nic away.  What struck me is how I could really feel the before and after, the changes in Nic with his drug use, all the while still aware of him being a lovable person underneath it all.  It is too easy to see ‘drug addicts’ as only that and not to remember ‘they’ are people too.  People with addictions do some terrible, painful things and it is sometimes necessary to emotionally separate what they do from who they are.  The addicts themselves don’t make it easy because so much of who they are is masked by the drug that takes them over. 

The book is full of literary, music and movie references which appeal to my interests and help fill out the picture of Nic and his Dad and their connection through the Arts.

I found my stomach in knots on multiple occasions throughout the book; for my greatest fear is that one of my children could become an addict or alcoholic.  I know that seems like a ridiculous waste of time to worry about something like that.  However, my family is littered with alcoholics and people with mental health issues and I fear it for my children.  I have spent most of my life learning about addiction and mental health and I feel I dodged a bullet myself.  I try to educate my children about substances and their potential influence over people.  I have told them they are at a higher risk because of our family issues.  I hope that is enough. 

I wonder if my worries are a waste of time.  Maybe it will be something else that derails my children’s lives.  Maybe there won’t be any derailment and I’ll have wasted my time worrying.  Let’s hope so. 

I have just picked up Nic’s book, Tweak, reflecting the same period of time but from Nic's perspective.  I will let you know how it goes. 

David Sheff has a new book coming out April 2, 2013 entitled, Clean: overcoming addiction and ending America’s greatest tragedy.

More than $4.8M raised for mental health during Bell Let's Talk Day | CTV News

More than $4.8M raised for mental health during Bell Let's Talk Day | CTV News

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

Happy Valentine's Day!  Show someone you love them today...

Substances

Today is Ash Wednesday in the Christian church: the first day of the season of Lent.  Traditionally Lent is a season of prayer, penitence and fasting.  Preparation for the season begins with Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday), when people usually have pancakes for dinner.  This was originally to use up all the butter and fattening foods in the pantry before the fasting of Lent. 

Lent is a season of preparation for Easter, the holiest holiday in the church calendar.  I think of it as a clearing out or clearing away of all the ‘extras’ that get in the way of seeing your path.  I think of it as a time of returning to simplicity.  Ideally, that is.  Amidst soccer practices and play rehearsals and meetings and and and it can be difficult to find the time to just let life rise and fall of its own accord.  At its best, however, I think of this season as a time of resetting my priorities.  Refocusing. 

As a form of discipline or fasting through Lent, people often give up something, often chocolate in these parts.  Other people give up other things.  One priest says he gives up coffee, alcohol, meat and chocolate during Lent.  I’ve considered doing the same but I think my family would have to clear out for at least a week so I didn’t do or say something I would regret later. 

My response to giving up all those things made me think about ‘substances’ and our need or want of them.  Tied up with substances would be our habits.  We all have reasons we choose to eat or drink or ingest things outside of purely sustaining ourselves.  They make us feel good or we feel we deserve them or they take the hurt away.  When we strip away the things we do to comfort ourselves we are left with our sometimes very raw emotions.  This can be a scary prospect. 

Each year my husband gives up coffee.  Last year and this one I have joined him.  This first morning was not pretty for me.  I do love my coffee.  I love the smell.  I love the taste.  More importantly, however, it is a comfort.  I can’t describe why.  Maybe it’s stopping to drink it.  Maybe it’s the breakfast or cookie I eat with it.  Maybe it’s having something to hold in my hand.  And I know other things don’t have the same effect as coffee for me.  I don’t enjoy tea as much as I enjoy coffee, although it comes in lots of flavours and doesn’t leave your breath smelling awful. 

I’m sure I can do it.  I know I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished something if I do.  The first few days are the hardest – building in new routines, getting over the loss of caffeine (no amount of tea seems to make up the difference).  I think about people who have to make similar changes on a permanent basis – whether for illness or addiction – and how challenging that would be. 

In some sense it comes down to control.  Am I in control or is the substance?  I know I’m forced to reckon with this question each Lenten season when I choose to change my behaviour, if only for a little while.  If I’m honest with myself, the fact that I have to think twice about giving up something like coffee means it has some sort of hold over me.  It makes me consider what other substances or activities I participate in that take charge of me.  Giving up something that serves a purpose to me, whether it is giving me comfort or altering my tired first-thing-in-the morning state, makes me think about all the emotions that rise to the surface when the substance isn’t there.  I have to deal with feeling tired on days where I have back to back meetings.  I am inconvenienced when everyone is ‘going for coffee’ because I cannot partake.  I have to face the headaches and the grumpiness that will be a part of the first few days of changing my routine.  The perspective I gain from the small show of discipline is very valuable as well as my gratitude that I can make the choice to abstain rather than being forced to by other circumstances. 

Vision Boards with Chrysalis Society

In the last two weeks I have spent two afternoons facilitating Vision Board workshops with the women residents of Chrysalis Society (www.chrysalissociety.com).  These women are working to overcome some significant obstacles to live healthier lives, and take better care of themselves.  They are in recovery from addiction.  What an amazing experience for me!  I truly find I learn so much from the people I work with.  I also really admire the courage it takes to admit needing help and working toward a better future. 

We began the workshops with introductions and a brief description of how to prepare a vision board.  I suggested trying to approach the process without thinking too much and just choosing images that appealed and not thinking about why.  To get us out of our heads and focusing from our hearts we did a short meditation to calm and centre ourselves.  Once that was done, and participants had chosen a background for their board (I had a variety of colours available), we handed around magazines and started ripping! 

Some examples of the finished vision boards are displayed on my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/RomaPalmerCounsellor (see the sidebar for the link).  Themes of relationships and family were prevalent in a number of the completed projects.  As well, travel, spirituality, and developing passions were apparent in several of the boards. 

Watching the women work on finding just the right picture was exciting.  I found it encouraging seeing the women enjoy the task and engage with one another about possibilities for their futures. 

I also found it interesting seeing how people completed their boards and how different the final pieces were from each other.  Some people’s boards were jammed with photos.  Others contained more inspirational words than pictures.  Some people struggled to find pictures to match the image they had in their head (maybe thinking too much about achieving a particular result?).  Other completed boards had few pictures or images but the ones that were chosen were very significant to them.  How people completed their vision boards really seemed to say something about their personalities as well as their passions.

I thoroughly enjoyed bringing this event to the women at Chrysalis Society.  I found the experience to be inspirational for me and, judging by the responses I had, it appeared to be so for them as well.  

Aunty Mary

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Great Aunt Mary’s death.  She died 14 years ago yesterday.  And she was, in all senses, a Great Aunt.  She was 88 years old when she died.  Double infinity.  Double infinity describes the love I still feel for her after all these years. 

Until she was struck with Alzheimer’s in the last few years of her life, Aunty Mary, or Mame, was always joyful and full of good spirits.  I always knew she loved me, no matter what.  And I put that to the test on numerous occasions.  There was the time that I was making prank phone calls with a friend who was visiting.  By mistake, we called the operator and said something nasty.  Well, the operator wouldn’t hang up!  I tried repeatedly to hang up the phone hoping she would give up but she insisted on speaking with the adult who was in the house.  I had to fetch Aunty Mary to intervene on my behalf.  She knew I was mortified. I was grateful that Mame did not feel it was necessary to drive it home with a big speech or disciplinary action.  I begged her not to tell my mother and if I recall correctly, I do believe she kept my confidence.  Needless to say I did not try that trick again!

Another time I was practicing for a role I had been asked to perform in church the coming Sunday.  I was going to be lighting a candle and I had been asked to practice at home.  Now, I’m sure the intention was that I would practice with an adult present.  I had seen fit to do that initially; but after some practice I thought I could handle it on my own.  So, with my trusting younger brother in tow, I practiced lighting candles.  Then I thought it would be interesting to try lighting paper and see what happened.  I tried it a couple of times and was able to blow it out before the flames grew too large.  On the third try, however, I waited longer and couldn’t blow it out.  Luckily we were in the kitchen and I doused the piece of paper with some water.  I tossed the whole mess in the garbage and thought no one would be the wiser.  Unfortunately the smell and the charred paper caught Aunty Mary’s attention and this time she did think my parents needed to be informed.  I could understand her informing on me and my brother and we made up a ‘clever’ story so neither one of us got in as much trouble as we might have if we (I) had gone it alone.  My baby bro is awesome!

There is one other time I recall when I was not proud of my behaviour toward Aunty Mary.  I was really mad at her.  Really, really mad at her.  And I wrote some swear words on a piece of paper and handed the paper to her and ran away.  I had written F*** OFF!  I don’t remember how she handled it exactly but I have no doubt it was with the grace that followed her wherever she went. 

Mary Smith Payne was from Glasgow, Scotland, and she had something of the fairy about her.  She never quite seemed like she had both feet on the ground.  She saw the world and the people in it in a slightly different light.  As a child, I found this a wonderful novelty compared to most of the grown ups I knew.  A habit of hers which endeared her to me was she would regularly have treats in her purse that she shared with my brother and me.  She also had an assortment of fantastic clothes at her apartment that were amazing for playing dress up.  After late nights of babysitting us she would often sleep over at our house and, as a young girl, I would go up in the morning to cuddle with her.  She would inevitably get out of bed at some point (knowing what was to come) and I would slide into her ‘warm spot’.  She would make a tremendous fuss about me stealing her spot in the bed and I would giggle myself silly. 

When she got sick as she aged, it broke my heart.  Her personality changed.  She became suspicious and aggressive.  She would swear.  It was difficult to watch her become someone so foreign to whom she had been during the rest of her life.  I would visit her and I think she knew who I was most of the time, even if she couldn’t articulate it.  When she didn’t know who I was, she would have a look on her face as though she thought she should know who I was.  Our visits weren’t particularly interesting.  I always felt awkward because I didn’t know what to do or say.  But I’m glad I went to visit.  She gave so much to us, it was the least I could do for her. 

She could still astound me, however.  I remember picking her up from the locked ward of the residence where she lived to take her to my cousin’s wedding.  I was about three months pregnant with my first child.  I felt physically horrible but I don’t think I was showing yet.  We certainly hadn’t told anyone I was expecting.  Darned if we didn’t get into my car and she asked me when the baby was due!  I couldn’t believe it!  Here was this woman whom we all thought was completely gone and she was still so aware of some things.  I was grateful she knew I was having a baby.  She loved babies.  She died three months before my daughter was born. 

I’m sure my parents or other grown ups would have other opinions about Aunty Mary.  And they would be equally valid.  But my opinions are mine based on my experience.  She gave me such great memories from my childhood, and my memory is not that great, so the fact I can remember so much about her influence on my life is important to me.  As I have alluded to, she did the lion’s share of our babysitting.  We were very fortunate in that regard.  I’m sure as I got older I would have preferred someone younger and ‘more fun’ but she was such a presence in our lives and we were blessed to have her.  I would wish for someone like Mame in every child’s life.  Someone who really did show unconditional love in a way that made so much sense to a child. 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

~ Rumi ~

 

 

(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

 

Boosting Mood with the 5 Senses

In Vancouver this time of year tends to be dark and dreary.  Post-holiday blues hit home.  Days are short.  If feels a long way til summer.  And people’s mood tends to sink into a state of blahs or worse.  When everything becomes monotone at this time of year, use your senses to ground you and bring some nuance into the season. 

1. Sight

Keep pictures or photos around that remind you of good times or good people.  Or pictures of the promise of a vacation that you have planned.  Make sure to take time during the day to stop and appreciate the view or take the scenic route to work or school.  Fill up your eyes with sights that make you feel good inside.

2. Sound

Consider the music you listen to during the day.  Music can be a powerful tool to affect your mood. Choose your music thoughtfully.  Take a moment to think of the music that will lift your spirits or encourage you to embrace your day. 

3. Touch

This is the season of warm and cozy.  Choose your clothes with touch in mind.  What do you like to wear?  What makes you feel good?  What feels good on you?  It may be adding an accessory or pulling out something you haven’t worn in awhile.  It may mean choosing colours that look good on you and make you feel good about yourself.  It may mean putting on underwear that feels good that no one else may see but you know is there.  J

4. Smell and Taste

I lumped these two together because so often they are associated with one another.  A hot steaming cup of tea or coffee on a cold morning.  A delicious meal after a long day.  A special treat during the morning or afternoon. 

5. Breath

Technically breath isn’t a sense but it is vital component to appreciating all the senses (literally!).  Stop for a minute during your day and simply breathe.  Take time to pay attention to your breath.  Breath or ‘to inspire’ is the root of the word ‘inspiration’ and if you don’t take time and breathe, it is interesting how inspiration seems to dry up.  So breathe in and count to 8…slowly…1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…then hold for a couple of seconds then breathe out for 8.  Repeat several times.  If you notice, you will realize that if you did that regularly you would be taking about 4 full breaths per minute.  How quickly do you usually breathe?  What happens when you take the time to deepen your breath like this?  Where does your mind go?  How do you feel?  Do you feel different? 

Slow down and treat yourself to a sensory feast this month.  Your heart and soul will thank you. 

Vision Board Assembled

I took my time with this one.  I wanted to let the images rumble around in my head for a while before I edited them down to something manageable. As it was, I probably didn’t edit them down as far as I could have.  But I really loved the pictures I chose and I didn’t want to lose any of them.  So one learning I had: not good at editing.  A reluctant editor. 

I have shown the completed Vision Board to several people and a couple of them saw vacations in it.  They didn’t realize that the board was only about work – and maybe vacation time is an important aspect of work.  I found their observation interesting.  Another person wasn’t familiar with Vision Boards and asked what they were.  My one-liner to her was ‘subconscious goal-setting’.  I truly believe this.  When I have assembled vision boards in the past I have found that the more I let my gut choose the pictures, the more the pictures spell out things my heart desires.  When I try to influence the outcome, the result ends up feeling superficial and unsatisfying. 

This time I really did my best to let my subconscious do the work. 

As I reviewed the completed Vision Board I was drawn to certain images. 

Table and Chairs: (just below centre)

This signifies gathering, collaboration, support, community, connecting, brainstorming, creation, development, groups

Windows: (bottom centre)

Clarity, vision, space, openness

Hallway: (lower left corner)

Objects of interest, leading somewhere – the journey is as important as the destination

Chandelier: (centre)

The words surrounding it: simply brilliant, unconventional wisdom – how I like to approach my work

Bright, light, warm, natural (candles vs. fluorescent)

Fireplace: (off-centre)

Warmth, heat, fire, excitement, gathering place

Ocean/Water: (top right corner)

The words: Sea Change, Postcards from the Edge – reflects the work I do with clients

Peace, calm – as the end result from therapy

Flowing, moving, living

Small pictures remind me of bubbles and bubbles made me think of ideas bubbling up

Green Space: (top left corner)

Green, growth, calm, peace, living, comfort, happiness – results of therapy

Chaise with the Portraits: (lower right corner)

This picture symbolizes to me the work I do in my office

Portraits symbolize my clients

Words that come to my mind about this picture are uncovering, Jungian, depth, complex, multilayered, multifaceted

Artist’s Studio: (centre right)

Space, high ceiling, windows, creative, room to move, not constrained, room to create

Chocolate and Berries: (just lower right of centre)

Food for life, delicious, luxurious, something you enjoy because you enjoy it – not because it’s good for you, really enjoying life, sinking your teeth into it

I have two upcoming Vision Board workshops with Chrysalis Society helping their clients explore their goals and desires for the coming year.  I am also anticipating doing Vision Board work with corporate clients to help them with goal-setting and business development. 

I find the process of creating Vision Boards and the results achieved very rewarding for myself and others.  I also like that it feels very creative and intuitive yet it doesn’t require any real artistic talent!

It Doesn't Matter

What if nothing we do matters?  I don’t mean that in the fatalistic sense that it sounds.  What I mean is – what if all the things we worry about don’t really matter?  If the only really important things are to take care of ourselves and to be kind to others.  All the rest is gravy. 

What could you discard if this were the case?  If you didn’t have to seek anyone’s approval – would the car you drive matter?  The clothes you wear?  The neighbourhood you live in?  The schools your children attend? 

How do we make our life decisions?  Are they based on what our parents did or didn’t do?  How we want to be perceived in the world?  The values that are important to us? 

What would you do differently if none of it mattered?  If you could stop thinking ‘I’m too old’, or ‘I’m too young’, or ‘I’m afraid’ or ‘what would my friends and neighbours think?’ or ‘what would my parents think?’

It can be remarkably freeing to let go of societal expectations, cultural expectations, and personal expectations of how our lives should look.  Take a moment and dream.  Dream of what you would change if you could do anything.  Dream of what you would do if nothing mattered other than caring for others and yourself.  If you already had all the time and money in the world.  What would you do?

And then start putting it into practice.

Acceptance

Acceptance can be difficult at any stage of life. 

As a teenager accepting that your parents are trying their best, or not trying hard enough, or that friends aren’t really your friends, or that school isn’t working out the way you thought it would. 

As a young adult accepting that university isn’t what you thought it would be, that the job you have isn’t turning out the way you thought it would, that you can’t afford the life you want to have. 

As an adult accepting that your career isn’t moving in the direction you would like, that you’re still living at home, that you may be an alcoholic, that you’re pregnant, that you’re not pregnant, that you’re sick – very sick. 

With aging families accepting that your parents aren’t the same people anymore, that life hasn’t handed you the life you thought you’d have, that you won’t have the savings you thought for your retirement, that your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be. 

How do you get from admitting things don’t look the way you thought they would to accepting what they are?  It often seems that circumstances don’t shift until we fully accept our situation for what it is. 

Several definitions of ‘accept’ appear in Webster’s 9^th New Collegiate Dictionary. They  include: to receive willingly; to give admittance or approval to; to endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true; to regard as having a certain meaning; to agree to undertake.

My favourite of the above, the definition that captures the sense of acceptance as I mean it here, is the first one: to receive willingly.  To me that definition captures the essence of how I feel when I really accept my circumstances.  The definition which makes me think twice is the ‘enduring’ one.  All too often I feel as though I’m ‘enduring without protest or reaction’ but if I really pay attention to my heart, I find that although I’m not protesting on the outside, part of me is violently protesting on the inside. 

Acceptance isn’t a head-thing; it’s a heart-thing.  By that I mean that your heart needs to be accepting of your circumstances and your heart won’t be rushed.  I know I have had times (very recently even) where I have found myself staring at the sky saying “Okay.  I accept it all.  I’m good.  It’s all okay.  So – can we move on now?”  Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to cut it.  I want to believe that I’m ‘agreeing to undertake’ my given circumstances but the truth is I just want them resolved so I can get on with whatever I would rather be doing. 

The closest a person can get to full acceptance is sometimes simply accepting the moment they are in.  That may sound silly or over-simplistic.  But if you think about it – no matter how dire the circumstances – if you can stop yourself for a moment – just a moment – and reflect, you will see that for that moment you are okay.  Then as you string those moments together they start to add up. 

The idea is simple but not easy.  Especially when stopping itself is difficult.  Even if you are able to stop, then not getting ahead of yourself is difficult.  “Ya – I’m okay right now but what good is that going to be when the rent is due…the baby comes…my mother dies…?”  Yes – it all has to be planned out and thought about but it need not take up every moment of every day.  Give yourself a break from thinking and planning for the future and fretting about the past.  Breathe in and breathe out.  And do it again.  Notice the small things.  In the moment.  The sunset.  The clouds.  The smile of the person passing you on the street. 

It doesn’t take away the pain or the challenge of the bigger picture.  But it does expand your attention beyond the difficulties you face and draws your attention to the moments that can be accepted in the midst of it. 

“I accept all that this day brings me: both the good and the bad.  I receive the good into my being and I let go of the things I don’t need or can’t handle right now.”

Mantra of the day

All shall be well
And all shall be well
And all manner of thing shall be well.

-Julian of Norwich

Self Care

As I look out my window, the precipitation varies from ice flakes, to rain, to snow.  I just want to curl up with a good book and a cup of tea and call it a day.  Like most of us, however, that isn’t an option.  Work and family and other commitments require me to be elsewhere and to ‘do things’.

One of the reasons I don’t want to go anywhere is that I am a Vancouverite.  I am a terrible snow-driver.  I admit it.  And I know I am not alone!  So whenever I screw up the courage to get behind the wheel of my car, I tense up from my toes to the top of my head. 

All this before my day even begins out in the world where the problems can be more daunting and debilitating. 

When I make it to my destination after driving in snowy weather I am usually fairly frazzled and I would like some time (and that cup of tea) to unwind.  I don’t usually have the luxury of that time, as most people don’t. 

Feeling frazzled is a minor inconvenience compared to the trials some people are experiencing.  If I can’t take time to reset myself to the ‘calm setting’ over something insignificant like a drive, what will I do when life really throws me a curve ball? 

What I have been wondering about recently is how others care for themselves in difficult times.  Often my clients of all ages are facing big issues in their lives and it feels like they can’t or shouldn’t take time out to look after themselves. 

I know I try to tell myself I need to take time out.  I’m no good to anyone else if I don’t take that time.  I know I should.  So why don’t I do it as often as I need to?

Well…I feel weak when I take time for myself.  I feel selfish when I take time for myself.  I am afraid I will be judged by others when I take time for myself.  I fear ‘everything will fall apart’ if I take time for myself (am I really that important?).  And these are only a few of the demons that jump out at me when I try to take time out of my schedule and care for myself. 

I find, as a therapist, when I talk to my friends about the problems I’m having, a familiar response is “what would you tell one of your clients in a similar situation?”   It is often easier to be gentler with someone else than it is with myself.  That seems a shame.  It is easy for me to see a client in pain, and know that they need to take a break.  I can easily give them permission.  Why is it so hard to give myself that permission? 

Sometimes I get so far down the rabbit hole that I forget what a break feels like.  I know the feeling I want but I don’t think I have the time to achieve it.  The good feeling seems like it’s too far away.  The more regularly I touch base with that feeling of peace, the easier it is to achieve.  Relearning what it takes to feel at ease may take some practice.  For example on the weekend I painted my finger nails red.  Ordinarily I don’t love painting my nails.  But looking down at that red paint makes me smile each time I look at my hands.  For me, that gave me a burst of energy that I didn’t expect. 

I invite clients to get back in touch with those feelings inside themselves of what feels good and what doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes we get so turned around we don’t trust our feelings anymore.  I often talk with clients about experimenting with new activities.  To simply try things out.  Not holding to any desired result.  Just trying things and seeing what happens.  Maybe something will work and you will feel better and want to try it again or maybe it won’t.  So try something different next time.  Playing with options allows us to pay attention to ourselves and reacquaint ourselves with our feelings. 

One of my goals for this year is to achieve a feeling of peace at least once daily, even briefly, so I don’t lose touch with the feeling.  My hope is that I can stretch out the feeling for longer and longer periods the more I play at it.  It is proving a challenge at times already but it’s one I’m willing to keep playing at.  Maybe today that will look like curling up with a good book and a cup of tea.

by Evan Palmer, age 6

Breathe in......Breathe out.....Breathe in......Breathe out....

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

From the book: There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson (who played one of the nuns in The Sound of Music).