The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

~ Rumi ~

 

 

(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

 

Boosting Mood with the 5 Senses

In Vancouver this time of year tends to be dark and dreary.  Post-holiday blues hit home.  Days are short.  If feels a long way til summer.  And people’s mood tends to sink into a state of blahs or worse.  When everything becomes monotone at this time of year, use your senses to ground you and bring some nuance into the season. 

1. Sight

Keep pictures or photos around that remind you of good times or good people.  Or pictures of the promise of a vacation that you have planned.  Make sure to take time during the day to stop and appreciate the view or take the scenic route to work or school.  Fill up your eyes with sights that make you feel good inside.

2. Sound

Consider the music you listen to during the day.  Music can be a powerful tool to affect your mood. Choose your music thoughtfully.  Take a moment to think of the music that will lift your spirits or encourage you to embrace your day. 

3. Touch

This is the season of warm and cozy.  Choose your clothes with touch in mind.  What do you like to wear?  What makes you feel good?  What feels good on you?  It may be adding an accessory or pulling out something you haven’t worn in awhile.  It may mean choosing colours that look good on you and make you feel good about yourself.  It may mean putting on underwear that feels good that no one else may see but you know is there.  J

4. Smell and Taste

I lumped these two together because so often they are associated with one another.  A hot steaming cup of tea or coffee on a cold morning.  A delicious meal after a long day.  A special treat during the morning or afternoon. 

5. Breath

Technically breath isn’t a sense but it is vital component to appreciating all the senses (literally!).  Stop for a minute during your day and simply breathe.  Take time to pay attention to your breath.  Breath or ‘to inspire’ is the root of the word ‘inspiration’ and if you don’t take time and breathe, it is interesting how inspiration seems to dry up.  So breathe in and count to 8…slowly…1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…then hold for a couple of seconds then breathe out for 8.  Repeat several times.  If you notice, you will realize that if you did that regularly you would be taking about 4 full breaths per minute.  How quickly do you usually breathe?  What happens when you take the time to deepen your breath like this?  Where does your mind go?  How do you feel?  Do you feel different? 

Slow down and treat yourself to a sensory feast this month.  Your heart and soul will thank you. 

Vision Board Assembled

I took my time with this one.  I wanted to let the images rumble around in my head for a while before I edited them down to something manageable. As it was, I probably didn’t edit them down as far as I could have.  But I really loved the pictures I chose and I didn’t want to lose any of them.  So one learning I had: not good at editing.  A reluctant editor. 

I have shown the completed Vision Board to several people and a couple of them saw vacations in it.  They didn’t realize that the board was only about work – and maybe vacation time is an important aspect of work.  I found their observation interesting.  Another person wasn’t familiar with Vision Boards and asked what they were.  My one-liner to her was ‘subconscious goal-setting’.  I truly believe this.  When I have assembled vision boards in the past I have found that the more I let my gut choose the pictures, the more the pictures spell out things my heart desires.  When I try to influence the outcome, the result ends up feeling superficial and unsatisfying. 

This time I really did my best to let my subconscious do the work. 

As I reviewed the completed Vision Board I was drawn to certain images. 

Table and Chairs: (just below centre)

This signifies gathering, collaboration, support, community, connecting, brainstorming, creation, development, groups

Windows: (bottom centre)

Clarity, vision, space, openness

Hallway: (lower left corner)

Objects of interest, leading somewhere – the journey is as important as the destination

Chandelier: (centre)

The words surrounding it: simply brilliant, unconventional wisdom – how I like to approach my work

Bright, light, warm, natural (candles vs. fluorescent)

Fireplace: (off-centre)

Warmth, heat, fire, excitement, gathering place

Ocean/Water: (top right corner)

The words: Sea Change, Postcards from the Edge – reflects the work I do with clients

Peace, calm – as the end result from therapy

Flowing, moving, living

Small pictures remind me of bubbles and bubbles made me think of ideas bubbling up

Green Space: (top left corner)

Green, growth, calm, peace, living, comfort, happiness – results of therapy

Chaise with the Portraits: (lower right corner)

This picture symbolizes to me the work I do in my office

Portraits symbolize my clients

Words that come to my mind about this picture are uncovering, Jungian, depth, complex, multilayered, multifaceted

Artist’s Studio: (centre right)

Space, high ceiling, windows, creative, room to move, not constrained, room to create

Chocolate and Berries: (just lower right of centre)

Food for life, delicious, luxurious, something you enjoy because you enjoy it – not because it’s good for you, really enjoying life, sinking your teeth into it

I have two upcoming Vision Board workshops with Chrysalis Society helping their clients explore their goals and desires for the coming year.  I am also anticipating doing Vision Board work with corporate clients to help them with goal-setting and business development. 

I find the process of creating Vision Boards and the results achieved very rewarding for myself and others.  I also like that it feels very creative and intuitive yet it doesn’t require any real artistic talent!

It Doesn't Matter

What if nothing we do matters?  I don’t mean that in the fatalistic sense that it sounds.  What I mean is – what if all the things we worry about don’t really matter?  If the only really important things are to take care of ourselves and to be kind to others.  All the rest is gravy. 

What could you discard if this were the case?  If you didn’t have to seek anyone’s approval – would the car you drive matter?  The clothes you wear?  The neighbourhood you live in?  The schools your children attend? 

How do we make our life decisions?  Are they based on what our parents did or didn’t do?  How we want to be perceived in the world?  The values that are important to us? 

What would you do differently if none of it mattered?  If you could stop thinking ‘I’m too old’, or ‘I’m too young’, or ‘I’m afraid’ or ‘what would my friends and neighbours think?’ or ‘what would my parents think?’

It can be remarkably freeing to let go of societal expectations, cultural expectations, and personal expectations of how our lives should look.  Take a moment and dream.  Dream of what you would change if you could do anything.  Dream of what you would do if nothing mattered other than caring for others and yourself.  If you already had all the time and money in the world.  What would you do?

And then start putting it into practice.

Acceptance

Acceptance can be difficult at any stage of life. 

As a teenager accepting that your parents are trying their best, or not trying hard enough, or that friends aren’t really your friends, or that school isn’t working out the way you thought it would. 

As a young adult accepting that university isn’t what you thought it would be, that the job you have isn’t turning out the way you thought it would, that you can’t afford the life you want to have. 

As an adult accepting that your career isn’t moving in the direction you would like, that you’re still living at home, that you may be an alcoholic, that you’re pregnant, that you’re not pregnant, that you’re sick – very sick. 

With aging families accepting that your parents aren’t the same people anymore, that life hasn’t handed you the life you thought you’d have, that you won’t have the savings you thought for your retirement, that your marriage isn’t what you thought it would be. 

How do you get from admitting things don’t look the way you thought they would to accepting what they are?  It often seems that circumstances don’t shift until we fully accept our situation for what it is. 

Several definitions of ‘accept’ appear in Webster’s 9^th New Collegiate Dictionary. They  include: to receive willingly; to give admittance or approval to; to endure without protest or reaction; to recognize as true; to regard as having a certain meaning; to agree to undertake.

My favourite of the above, the definition that captures the sense of acceptance as I mean it here, is the first one: to receive willingly.  To me that definition captures the essence of how I feel when I really accept my circumstances.  The definition which makes me think twice is the ‘enduring’ one.  All too often I feel as though I’m ‘enduring without protest or reaction’ but if I really pay attention to my heart, I find that although I’m not protesting on the outside, part of me is violently protesting on the inside. 

Acceptance isn’t a head-thing; it’s a heart-thing.  By that I mean that your heart needs to be accepting of your circumstances and your heart won’t be rushed.  I know I have had times (very recently even) where I have found myself staring at the sky saying “Okay.  I accept it all.  I’m good.  It’s all okay.  So – can we move on now?”  Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to cut it.  I want to believe that I’m ‘agreeing to undertake’ my given circumstances but the truth is I just want them resolved so I can get on with whatever I would rather be doing. 

The closest a person can get to full acceptance is sometimes simply accepting the moment they are in.  That may sound silly or over-simplistic.  But if you think about it – no matter how dire the circumstances – if you can stop yourself for a moment – just a moment – and reflect, you will see that for that moment you are okay.  Then as you string those moments together they start to add up. 

The idea is simple but not easy.  Especially when stopping itself is difficult.  Even if you are able to stop, then not getting ahead of yourself is difficult.  “Ya – I’m okay right now but what good is that going to be when the rent is due…the baby comes…my mother dies…?”  Yes – it all has to be planned out and thought about but it need not take up every moment of every day.  Give yourself a break from thinking and planning for the future and fretting about the past.  Breathe in and breathe out.  And do it again.  Notice the small things.  In the moment.  The sunset.  The clouds.  The smile of the person passing you on the street. 

It doesn’t take away the pain or the challenge of the bigger picture.  But it does expand your attention beyond the difficulties you face and draws your attention to the moments that can be accepted in the midst of it. 

“I accept all that this day brings me: both the good and the bad.  I receive the good into my being and I let go of the things I don’t need or can’t handle right now.”

Mantra of the day

All shall be well
And all shall be well
And all manner of thing shall be well.

-Julian of Norwich

Self Care

As I look out my window, the precipitation varies from ice flakes, to rain, to snow.  I just want to curl up with a good book and a cup of tea and call it a day.  Like most of us, however, that isn’t an option.  Work and family and other commitments require me to be elsewhere and to ‘do things’.

One of the reasons I don’t want to go anywhere is that I am a Vancouverite.  I am a terrible snow-driver.  I admit it.  And I know I am not alone!  So whenever I screw up the courage to get behind the wheel of my car, I tense up from my toes to the top of my head. 

All this before my day even begins out in the world where the problems can be more daunting and debilitating. 

When I make it to my destination after driving in snowy weather I am usually fairly frazzled and I would like some time (and that cup of tea) to unwind.  I don’t usually have the luxury of that time, as most people don’t. 

Feeling frazzled is a minor inconvenience compared to the trials some people are experiencing.  If I can’t take time to reset myself to the ‘calm setting’ over something insignificant like a drive, what will I do when life really throws me a curve ball? 

What I have been wondering about recently is how others care for themselves in difficult times.  Often my clients of all ages are facing big issues in their lives and it feels like they can’t or shouldn’t take time out to look after themselves. 

I know I try to tell myself I need to take time out.  I’m no good to anyone else if I don’t take that time.  I know I should.  So why don’t I do it as often as I need to?

Well…I feel weak when I take time for myself.  I feel selfish when I take time for myself.  I am afraid I will be judged by others when I take time for myself.  I fear ‘everything will fall apart’ if I take time for myself (am I really that important?).  And these are only a few of the demons that jump out at me when I try to take time out of my schedule and care for myself. 

I find, as a therapist, when I talk to my friends about the problems I’m having, a familiar response is “what would you tell one of your clients in a similar situation?”   It is often easier to be gentler with someone else than it is with myself.  That seems a shame.  It is easy for me to see a client in pain, and know that they need to take a break.  I can easily give them permission.  Why is it so hard to give myself that permission? 

Sometimes I get so far down the rabbit hole that I forget what a break feels like.  I know the feeling I want but I don’t think I have the time to achieve it.  The good feeling seems like it’s too far away.  The more regularly I touch base with that feeling of peace, the easier it is to achieve.  Relearning what it takes to feel at ease may take some practice.  For example on the weekend I painted my finger nails red.  Ordinarily I don’t love painting my nails.  But looking down at that red paint makes me smile each time I look at my hands.  For me, that gave me a burst of energy that I didn’t expect. 

I invite clients to get back in touch with those feelings inside themselves of what feels good and what doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes we get so turned around we don’t trust our feelings anymore.  I often talk with clients about experimenting with new activities.  To simply try things out.  Not holding to any desired result.  Just trying things and seeing what happens.  Maybe something will work and you will feel better and want to try it again or maybe it won’t.  So try something different next time.  Playing with options allows us to pay attention to ourselves and reacquaint ourselves with our feelings. 

One of my goals for this year is to achieve a feeling of peace at least once daily, even briefly, so I don’t lose touch with the feeling.  My hope is that I can stretch out the feeling for longer and longer periods the more I play at it.  It is proving a challenge at times already but it’s one I’m willing to keep playing at.  Maybe today that will look like curling up with a good book and a cup of tea.

by Evan Palmer, age 6

Breathe in......Breathe out.....Breathe in......Breathe out....

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

From the book: There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson (who played one of the nuns in The Sound of Music).

Under the Rocks

 Have you ever walked along the beach and started lifting up the rocks down by the water?  I remember doing that as a child and now I do it with my children.  It is incredible all the things that you find under there: crabs, sea worms, limpets, barnacles to name a few.  Sometimes my kids will pick up a crab in their hand and watch it run around.  Sometimes they make me pick up the crab because it feels too tickly in their hands. 

I know other people who don’t like turning over the rocks because of all the things they might find under there.  They don’t want to look at all the creepy crawlies, let alone feel them running around on their hand. 

At the risk of an obvious metaphor, this makes me think of my role as a therapist and the people who come to see me.  I think everyone has some apprehension about ‘looking under their rock’ to see what might be there.  I also think that lifting up that rock so someone else can see what’s under there can be even scarier.  Revealing those unattractive pieces of ourselves brings up all the thoughts of what someone else might find or think or judge about those parts.  All the more reason I have a great deal of respect for the people who brave those fearful feelings and come and see me anyway.  These folks realize pretty quickly that looking under the rock isn’t often as scary as they think it will be.  We might find some scary things – like painful past events or unhealthy behaviours - but they seem a lot less terrifying in the light.  And sometimes we find some exciting things – like skills or talents that have been sitting in the dark for a long time. 

Yes – crabs stay hidden under rocks for protection and survival.  That is often what we are trying to do – protect ourselves and survive.  Unlike crabs, we can’t live our lives in the sand hiding under rocks.  Living that way limits us.  We have so much to offer that the world can only see if we come out from under our rock.  It is a scary prospect.  And it takes courage and practice.  Sometimes we need to return under our rock for a spell to regroup and feel safe to explore again.  But we can never grow into the amazing people we can be if we spend our whole life under that rock. 

I invite you to take a risk and emerge from under your rock.  I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised by what you will find. 

Slow and Steady...

Here it is, the 9^th of January and I’m already having flashes of feeling overwhelmed.  I want to hold onto the feeling of peace and clarity I achieved over the winter vacation.  Maybe I’m crazy for thinking this feeling can hold on for more than the length of a holiday but that is one of my hopes. 

One of the images that kept coming up in my vision board exercise was that of a single chair.  This concerned me because my counselling practice is about meeting with people and growing relationships.  I feared that the single chair meant a solitary existence and no growth.  Now I am thinking it may mean that I need to have solitary time to regroup and regenerate so that I can do the work in the way I want. 

This – my year of connectivity – also brings with it my concerns about feeling overwhelmed by information.  All the methods of connecting with people on the internet which I’m very excited about – Facebook, blogging, LinkedIn etc. can also leave me feeling like I’m in a pinball machine, bouncing from one person to another.  When my phone beeps at me I feel inclined to respond and sometimes it isn’t at the most convenient time.  I need to learn how to manage my media and my time.

I also find the demands of my life to be time-consuming these days.  With three children, a husband and aging parents, there is always someone or something that needs my attention.  And that doesn’t even include work.  I find the constant shifting gears between facets of my life taxing as well. 

All the more reason to have some time to myself.  And all the more reason that it’s hard to find that time! 

I have learned that I am someone who is more the tortoise than the hare.  I don’t do fast and furious.  I get to feeling overwhelmed very quickly when I take the fast route.  When I can be slow and steady I have more time to take in what’s around me, read the signs and respond the way I want.  The trick for me is in creating the time (because it isn’t there if I don’t create it) to live the way that works for me.  I also find it hard because it seems to me that so many people thrive on the fast life that is everywhere.  I often feel inadequate because I can’t or don’t want to keep up.  I am relearning that I need to disregard the fact that others can do what I cannot.  It doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t change me.  And the more I respect who I am and the less I try to be someone I am not, the further ahead I am – even at my slow and steady pace. 

Vision

Yesterday I started a vision board to outline the direction for my practice for the coming year.  This involved pulling pictures from magazines and other sources to come up with some sort of visual representation of my goals.  I have never done this specifically for my work before and it was a different experience than when I have done this in my personal life.  I found that before I started tearing out photos I was trying to predetermine what sorts of images I would choose.  As it was, I was able to dismiss these notions and just go for it - choosing images that appealed to me as I found them.  It was like any creative process - not knowing where it is going or if it will all come together in the end.  I found myself feeling quite lost at times.  However, there was a point when I felt like I had enough pictures: that is, I found themes repeating themselves in the pictures I was choosing.  When I divided the photos into groups as indicated in the photo above, several themes presented themselves.

I found one theme was creative.  It contained images of art and music and a space that felt like an artist's studio to me.  Another theme had to do with gardens and nature.  Another was about water and the sea.  The last was about architectural space and design.

I haven't determined what all these elements are about yet but some words did jump out at me.  Those words included: simple, warm, creative, relaxed, space, open, airy, elegance, luxurious, delicious, growth, complexity, and expansion.

The next step is teasing apart some of these themes and delving into them.  I'm excited by this process.  It isn't what I thought it would be.  None of this feels like "work" or "business" to me.  It isn't providing the concrete answers I was looking for.  Or, at least, it doesn't seem to be yet.  The words that kept coming up for me do describe the feelings I want to have and to share through my work in my practice.  So there is the start.  I'm sure I will have more to say as it unfolds.

Waiting

I am not a patient person.  I don’t think people realize that about me.  People tell me I seem so calm and they don’t realize I am churning under the surface.  The last few years have been a test of my patience.  It has felt like the time to achieve all my dreams was diminishing and all the things getting in the way of me achieving those dreams were increasing.  My mother had a stroke 5 years ago and that set me off my axis.  Perhaps not as much as it has her; but I have certainly felt the repercussions.  My children have had issues, as all children do.  And those issues have pushed my buttons, as issues do.  My life hasn’t been looking the way I thought it would by now (I’m sure I’m not alone).  And I turned 40 (gasp!).  I was surprised by how great an effect this birthday had on me.  I don’t tend to get caught up in birthdays but this one felt big. 

All of those things are normal life stuff but I felt like I was drowning.  And me a therapist!!  I felt as though I should have had it all together.  I was frustrated because meditation wasn’t ‘working’.  I sought help for myself and my kids for our various issues but that only brought up more demons.  I was doing my best to do the best things under the circumstances but none of it was making me feel any better. 

I think my situation is only one example of a phenomenon that I believe is increasingly more common with our society of quick-fixes.  We aren’t good at waiting.  Waiting is hard.  Waiting is uncomfortable.  We don’t have time to wait.  And yet the waiting is where growth happens. 

Often my clients come to see me and want to feel better right away.  They don’t want to feel the pain anymore.  They want to get on with their lives.  And they will.  But it takes time.  That is a tough pill to swallow.  Especially if they have been suffering for some time.  However, there is not usually a quick fix.  If life has taken them to this point, it will take some time to undo the knots they find themselves in.  Even working really hard to untie those knots isn’t the entire answer.  Part of the answer is time itself. 

That is not to say that doing nothing will achieve the desired result.  What we do while we wait is important – even if it isn’t the entire answer.  Seeking help, taking care of ourselves, and listening to what our hearts tell us are all important as well.  When the universe requires us to slow down and pay attention it is usually trying to tell us something. 

I don’t like those messages from the universe.  I prefer the messages that look something like a new car, my business expanding, my investments going up in value.  But it seems we have to take the good with the bad.  And sometimes what feels like ‘the bad’ at the time, turns out to be ‘the good’ in the long run. 

Waiting is hard business.  Growth is hard business.  But what we do during those times, the lessons we learn through those times and not rushing our way through are what make us who we become. 

It has taken me some time to feel like I’m back on my feet.  And as much as I’ve hated most of it, some wonderful things have happened as well.  Time will tell what I’ve learned from the process and in the meantime I hope to keep taking care of myself, listening to my heart and seeking help when I need it.    

The New Year

Here we go 2013!  I have dubbed the year "The Year of Connectivity" for myself.  That is my New Year's Resolution.  Connecting, in my case, has to do with both the internet and connecting with people.  I have decided to embrace technology once again instead of fearing it and increase my activity on the web.  We social service types tend to be technology-phobic and, although I wouldn't call my affliction a phobia, it has definitely verged on an aversion.  I have decided to go for it with blogging etc. to increase my connections in the world as well as increase my creative output.  I'm hoping this will be the start of something exciting! I wonder what your New Year's Resolutions are?