Self Care

As I look out my window, the precipitation varies from ice flakes, to rain, to snow.  I just want to curl up with a good book and a cup of tea and call it a day.  Like most of us, however, that isn’t an option.  Work and family and other commitments require me to be elsewhere and to ‘do things’.

One of the reasons I don’t want to go anywhere is that I am a Vancouverite.  I am a terrible snow-driver.  I admit it.  And I know I am not alone!  So whenever I screw up the courage to get behind the wheel of my car, I tense up from my toes to the top of my head. 

All this before my day even begins out in the world where the problems can be more daunting and debilitating. 

When I make it to my destination after driving in snowy weather I am usually fairly frazzled and I would like some time (and that cup of tea) to unwind.  I don’t usually have the luxury of that time, as most people don’t. 

Feeling frazzled is a minor inconvenience compared to the trials some people are experiencing.  If I can’t take time to reset myself to the ‘calm setting’ over something insignificant like a drive, what will I do when life really throws me a curve ball? 

What I have been wondering about recently is how others care for themselves in difficult times.  Often my clients of all ages are facing big issues in their lives and it feels like they can’t or shouldn’t take time out to look after themselves. 

I know I try to tell myself I need to take time out.  I’m no good to anyone else if I don’t take that time.  I know I should.  So why don’t I do it as often as I need to?

Well…I feel weak when I take time for myself.  I feel selfish when I take time for myself.  I am afraid I will be judged by others when I take time for myself.  I fear ‘everything will fall apart’ if I take time for myself (am I really that important?).  And these are only a few of the demons that jump out at me when I try to take time out of my schedule and care for myself. 

I find, as a therapist, when I talk to my friends about the problems I’m having, a familiar response is “what would you tell one of your clients in a similar situation?”   It is often easier to be gentler with someone else than it is with myself.  That seems a shame.  It is easy for me to see a client in pain, and know that they need to take a break.  I can easily give them permission.  Why is it so hard to give myself that permission? 

Sometimes I get so far down the rabbit hole that I forget what a break feels like.  I know the feeling I want but I don’t think I have the time to achieve it.  The good feeling seems like it’s too far away.  The more regularly I touch base with that feeling of peace, the easier it is to achieve.  Relearning what it takes to feel at ease may take some practice.  For example on the weekend I painted my finger nails red.  Ordinarily I don’t love painting my nails.  But looking down at that red paint makes me smile each time I look at my hands.  For me, that gave me a burst of energy that I didn’t expect. 

I invite clients to get back in touch with those feelings inside themselves of what feels good and what doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes we get so turned around we don’t trust our feelings anymore.  I often talk with clients about experimenting with new activities.  To simply try things out.  Not holding to any desired result.  Just trying things and seeing what happens.  Maybe something will work and you will feel better and want to try it again or maybe it won’t.  So try something different next time.  Playing with options allows us to pay attention to ourselves and reacquaint ourselves with our feelings. 

One of my goals for this year is to achieve a feeling of peace at least once daily, even briefly, so I don’t lose touch with the feeling.  My hope is that I can stretch out the feeling for longer and longer periods the more I play at it.  It is proving a challenge at times already but it’s one I’m willing to keep playing at.  Maybe today that will look like curling up with a good book and a cup of tea.