To Shrink or Not to Shrink?

Maybe it’s the people I socialize with, but whenever I tell someone I’m a therapist, the conversation stops dead.  For a long time I took this personally, like they must think I have the most loserish profession in the world and they wouldn’t be caught doing it in a million years.  Then I mentioned this phenomenon to a close friend of mine, saying I felt like a social pariah.  She corrected me, saying that people are just terrified that I’m shrinking their heads while I’m talking to them so they’re afraid to say anything. 

Well, I’m here to tell you, I’m not shrinking your head, either at a party or in my office in a session.  Unless you share your deep, dark secrets with me, I don’t have x-ray vision.  I understand that admitting to parts of yourself that you’re not all that happy with is uncomfortable.  It leaves a person feeling exposed.  Of course you would be afraid of being judged for things that you feel don’t show you in the best light.  I’m here to say that I’m not there to judge.  We all have secrets – things we don’t like about ourselves and how we conduct ourselves in the world and in our relationships.  My job is to help you shine a light on these dark corners and realize that there are things you can do to change or accept these parts.  Sometimes shining that light is all it takes to make you realize that the things you have been so afraid of really aren’t that scary. 

So then – if the point of therapy is to talk about stuff that makes you uncomfortable so you can address it in someway – how is that different than just talking to a good friend about the same issues?

Firstly, who will give you a whole hour to listen to you tell your story?  How many times when you’ve been listening to a friend talk, have you been so excited to give your opinion or tell your story that you aren’t really hearing what the other person has to say?  I am there to listen to you.  A large part of what I do is listen.  My focus for that hour is you and your world.  Hearing your story allows me to help you brainstorm some possibilities for your predicament.  Elements of your story will highlight certain of your strengths.  Another aspect of what I do is help identify the strengths that will assist you in dealing with your situation.

You know yourself best.  I believe you have the tools to resolve whatever issues are troubling you.  Why ask for help? Because often the demands of life become overwhelming and it is hard to tease apart the important from unimportant details.  It feels like obstacles are everywhere.  Some obstacles are obvious.  Others are more discreet.  I will help you with sifting out important from unimportant details.  I will help you with naming and addressing obstacles that impede your progress.  You will be able to prioritize and tackle issues in order of importance. 

Non-judgmental listening, identifying your strengths, sifting through your story and brainstorming.  Those are some of the ways I will help you.  So if we meet in my office or at a party, I am not shrinking your head.  But given my personality, interests, and education I am interested in you, warts and all.  I want to hear your story. 

More books by my bedside

The list is growing daily!

Right now I am reading:
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This                                               by Kate White

Waiting nearby are:
Bradshaw on the Family                                                          by John Bradshaw
Free From Lies                                                                        by Alice Miller
Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives by Anna Fels
The Vagina Monologues                                                         by Eve Ensler

Also waiting but not sure I'm going to read it:
Researching Resilience                                               
by Linda Liebenberg and Michael Ungar

I've read books by Michael Ungar before and I love his work on resilience but this looks like straight research rather than anecdotal information taken from research.  I know I'll get bogged down in it no matter how good it is.  We'll see.  Maybe something will grab me. 

It's All Therapy

Last week I went for my first singing lesson in 10 years.  I was excited…and terrified.  Anyone who has done any singing (or tried anything new) knows all the demons that rear their heads when you try to start.  “I’m afraid my teacher will think I’m terrible.  I’m afraid she’ll see all my bad habits.  I’m afraid she’ll say I’ve been badly taught before and that everything I thought I was doing well I’m actually not”. 

After I’ve gone through my list of how awful she could find me or my skill or my talent or technique I remind myself that her job is to teach and help me.  She will not find someone with a fully developed and capable voice.  The reason I’m going to her is to learn and improve. 

I had been staring at the teacher’s number for a couple of weeks and prior to that I had been meaning to ask about singing teachers from a friend of mine for several months.  The reason I even considered lessons is that I want to audition for a choir in June and I’m too nervous to do so without some bolstering with lessons and properly prepared material. 

The day I called the singing teacher I tried not to think too much beforehand.  I just picked up the phone and dialed before I convinced myself to wait until the following week.  She was lovely on the phone.  Relaxed and informative and helpful.  I was a bumbling fool.  I have all this emotional baggage that has been piling up around singing.  I feel like I’m too old.  I shouldn’t be spending the money.  Maybe I’m not any good.  I’ll feel embarrassed singing in front of someone.  All so different from watching someone else who has the courage to get up and sing in front of people where I can pick apart their efforts and convince myself I could do a better job.  Now I’m putting my money where my mouth is. 

All of these ruminations reminded me of what it is probably like for my clients to make the call to me.  I have been in therapy on and off and, yes, I get nervous making the call.  I do find I’m able to hide behind the fact that I can play the ‘expert’ card (I ‘therapize’ too – nudge nudge wink wink) to protect myself until I’m comfortable enough to let down my guard.  I also know, more or less, what to expect in a therapy session.  I’ve forgotten what a singing lesson looks like and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to give to it what was needed.  Also, with singing I have no wall.  I’m unprotected.  Vulnerable.  Scared.  I have also had a pretty intense few years leading up to this first singing lesson and I was afraid when I opened my mouth to sing that all of those nicely packaged emotions would come tumbling out instead of the sound of singing. 

As it turned out, and as with most things, it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I imagined it might be.  In fact, it was quite wonderful.  My teacher was encouraging and supportive (much-needed).  I didn’t feel like a total loser when I left.  I relaxed.  I loosened up a bit.  I actually made some sounds that resembled singing.  And best of all, my teacher said I would be pleasantly surprised by how far I would come with some attention to my technique.  Whew! 

As I tell clients, when you look at all the dark corners of your life and your less-than-perfect behaviours, it’s usually not nearly as scary once you’ve shone a light in those places.  My aim is always to provide an encouraging, safe place for you to be vulnerable and explore the scary stuff.  Often you will find you are doing better than you thought and that with some attention to the matters at hand, you will be surprised by how far you will come.