It's All Therapy

Last week I went for my first singing lesson in 10 years.  I was excited…and terrified.  Anyone who has done any singing (or tried anything new) knows all the demons that rear their heads when you try to start.  “I’m afraid my teacher will think I’m terrible.  I’m afraid she’ll see all my bad habits.  I’m afraid she’ll say I’ve been badly taught before and that everything I thought I was doing well I’m actually not”. 

After I’ve gone through my list of how awful she could find me or my skill or my talent or technique I remind myself that her job is to teach and help me.  She will not find someone with a fully developed and capable voice.  The reason I’m going to her is to learn and improve. 

I had been staring at the teacher’s number for a couple of weeks and prior to that I had been meaning to ask about singing teachers from a friend of mine for several months.  The reason I even considered lessons is that I want to audition for a choir in June and I’m too nervous to do so without some bolstering with lessons and properly prepared material. 

The day I called the singing teacher I tried not to think too much beforehand.  I just picked up the phone and dialed before I convinced myself to wait until the following week.  She was lovely on the phone.  Relaxed and informative and helpful.  I was a bumbling fool.  I have all this emotional baggage that has been piling up around singing.  I feel like I’m too old.  I shouldn’t be spending the money.  Maybe I’m not any good.  I’ll feel embarrassed singing in front of someone.  All so different from watching someone else who has the courage to get up and sing in front of people where I can pick apart their efforts and convince myself I could do a better job.  Now I’m putting my money where my mouth is. 

All of these ruminations reminded me of what it is probably like for my clients to make the call to me.  I have been in therapy on and off and, yes, I get nervous making the call.  I do find I’m able to hide behind the fact that I can play the ‘expert’ card (I ‘therapize’ too – nudge nudge wink wink) to protect myself until I’m comfortable enough to let down my guard.  I also know, more or less, what to expect in a therapy session.  I’ve forgotten what a singing lesson looks like and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to give to it what was needed.  Also, with singing I have no wall.  I’m unprotected.  Vulnerable.  Scared.  I have also had a pretty intense few years leading up to this first singing lesson and I was afraid when I opened my mouth to sing that all of those nicely packaged emotions would come tumbling out instead of the sound of singing. 

As it turned out, and as with most things, it wasn’t nearly as horrible as I imagined it might be.  In fact, it was quite wonderful.  My teacher was encouraging and supportive (much-needed).  I didn’t feel like a total loser when I left.  I relaxed.  I loosened up a bit.  I actually made some sounds that resembled singing.  And best of all, my teacher said I would be pleasantly surprised by how far I would come with some attention to my technique.  Whew! 

As I tell clients, when you look at all the dark corners of your life and your less-than-perfect behaviours, it’s usually not nearly as scary once you’ve shone a light in those places.  My aim is always to provide an encouraging, safe place for you to be vulnerable and explore the scary stuff.  Often you will find you are doing better than you thought and that with some attention to the matters at hand, you will be surprised by how far you will come.